Honeymoon in Baghdad: Nov 16: Nightmare at 20,000 feet

Getting into Iraq is usually a 3-day adventure of endless waiting:

Day 1: Commercial flight from Dulles to Kuwait

Day 2: 13-hour layover at Crowne Plaza Kuwait

Day 3:

3am- Take shuttle from hotel to military airbase
4-8am- Hang around with hundreds of soldiers waiting to be deployed
8am- Take 1.5 hour flight to Baghdad on Vietnam-era C-130
9:30am- Arrive in Baghdad. Wait at Camp Victory (military base) for Rhino (enormous armored van) to Embassy
8:30pm- Rhino departs Camp Victory for the Embassy
10pm- Home

The first two days of the trip are easy peezy lemon squeezy. They pick you up from the Kuwait airport to take you to the Crowne Plaza, which is a typical gaudy, gold-plated Gulf country hotel, peppered with outrageously-priced restaurants and South Asian nannies running after their ill-behaved screaming charges. But the beds are really comfortable and they have a great Persian restaurant. What more can you ask for during a layover?

The trouble usually starts on day 3, which is what happened when we were coming back this time. The 3am shuttle to the airbase is always unsettling because they drive extremely fast, the roads aren't lit, and Kuwaitis are fond of drag racing in the dead of night. But when I looked over and saw our driver's eyelids struggling to stay open, it became downright alarming. I started asking him questions about anything and everything (e.g., Where are you from? Do they like dogs in Puerto Rico? What's your favorite dog breed? Are you allergic to cats?). I'm sure everyone in the car thought I was nuts, but I was the only one that could see those drooping eyelids! Not fun.

After another 5-hour wait at the airbase, we boarded a C-130 to begin what can only be described as the Twilight Zone flight. But first, a few words about the big clunky Vietnam-era cargo plane known as the C-130... There are no seats-- just long rows of hammocks made of seat belts, and they pack you in like SARDINES (i.e., the leg of the person across from you will be firmly nestled between your legs). On top of it all, you have to wear 30 pounds of armor, a helmet, and earplugs (no sound-proofing on a cargo plane). Basically, you spend two hours straddling a seatbelt, mute and immobilized. And don't even think about falling asleep because 1. your butt hurts too much, and 2. you're wearing a helmet and there's no place to rest your head (and you can't take your helmet off mid flight because if the person next to you nods off, they'll bash your unprotected head with their helmet).

The C130: So uncomfortable that even cargo can't take it.

This flight was particularly miserable because it took us over an hour to take off, and I was sitting below some heat-producing machinery that blasted me with hot air the entire flight. I kept glancing over at the watch of the guy sitting next to me, praying for time to pass faster, but something weird happened around the time we were supposed to land... it seemed like the compass arrow on his watch changed directions. I didn't think much of it. But another half hour passed and we still hadn't landed. Was his watch broken? Was the flight longer? I couldn't ask because the sound is deafening. Another half hour passed and I knew something was crunchy. We'd been in the air for 3 hours. WOULD IT EVER LAND???

A never-ending C-130 flight??? It can't be. This must be a bad dream.

But to my relief, the Nightmare at 20,000 Feet ended 30 minutes later-- we finally landed. Baghdad AT LAST!!!

It felt like the gates of Heaven were parting when they opened the doors. It was a glorious moment that ended all too abruptly when the flight engineer made the following announcement "Ladies and Gentlemen, when you get off this plane you may notice that it looks a lot like Kuwait... and that's because IT IS KUWAIT."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohmygodblessamerica.

The flight engineer continued, "We had to turn the plane around when we reached Baghdad because of mechanical difficulties... but the good news is that we're going to try and have you back on ANOTHER plane later today".

What!?!? You're going to put me on another flight???

After waiting around for 7 more hours, it turned out they couldn't put us on another plane, and we went back to the Crowne Plaza to wait for the next morning's flight. My sore buns were so grateful for the soft mattress, and thank our lucky stars, the nightmare wasn't repeated the next morning. We arrived in Baghdad without incident.

And then our luck got even better! We were expecting to have to wait the usual 10-12 hours at Camp Victory for the Rhino, but guess what happened? They put our sore butts on the Helicopter Express! This was my first time ever on a helicopter, and it was fantastic! Aaron made sure I sat in the best seat (facing the open side) and lent me his fancy sunglasses. I was assigned the responsibility of keeping his bag from falling out (you can see my white-knuckled grip in the lower left hand side)